What is it like to Lose a Loved One? (Part 2)

If you missed reading Part 1 you can find it here.

 

In the days after the funeral, as we spent time together as a family, the place where we grew up and shared so many memories with my Dad just seemed to be missing something. There was still an overwhelming sense of love from my Mom and other family members that filled the house, but the thought would come to mind that Dad wouldn’t be walking through the door anymore. Quickly following that thought was the feeling of a heavy weight being placed on my chest and a black hole in my heart that seemed to suck me, body and soul, into it. I felt the wild, urgency to run away, to escape to anywhere that would keep me from feeling this dark pit that was swallowing me up. Undoubtedly, the logical part of my mind would take over and I would realize running away from a feeling was impossible and that I just needed to push through and the feeling would eventually go away.

I don’t know that I ever told God that I didn’t need His help, that’s just not what good little Christian girls do. But I know that my actions; stifling tears, trying to be the strong one, and “pushing through” told its own story. Its what I’ve done for most of my life. “If you want something done right,” “Don’t depend on anyone” mentality. I hate that about myself. More often than not I end up pushing the people I love the most away because of it and this instance was no different. I felt myself pushing everyone out, even God.

This isn’t the pretty part of death. As a matter of fact, I truly believe people react to losing a loved one in one of two ways. The first is described above, rejecting any help or comfort – even when you know where to find it. The second is learning to fully rely on God, you are not perfect and you’ll have those times of doubt and fear but you know Who to turn to when the dark feelings overwhelm you, and you do.

My Mom is a beautiful picture of the second choice, and it really is a choice. She wrote this on Facebook:

“Ten weeks and still counting…most days are good and I am busy with day to day stuff that keeps me from thinking continually of Woody and his absence. So thankful that each day is not consumed with grief and I can truly enjoy being with my family.

Then there are the times, so unexpected, when I feel hit by this large wave of grief rolling over me…a deep, deep longing to touch Woody, hug Woody, speak to Woody and I feel literally suffocated by a longing that is unbearable. Then, just as unexpected, I feel the Lord’s presence the greatest, reminding me that all is well… Woody is with him which is best for him, and God is with me, buoying me up, reminding me to “be of good courage” for my hope is in Him and he will not forsake me or leave me. It is painful, but weak as I feel then, I am learning to praise His name in the darkness and trust that joy does come in the morning…”

The Lord knew that this demonstration of my Mom’s faith would be just what I needed to realize my foolishness of trusting in myself and send me running back into the loving and ever eager, open arms of my Savior, comforter and friend. Those arms, though at times I leave them, trying to find my own way, are always there and always open to any in need of a refuge.

Again, I ask, do you need a refuge? Have you felt the overwhelming loss, whether in the death of a loved one or in losing your direction in life? Would you like to feel the comfort and hope expressed above? I can tell you from experience, it only comes from knowing Jesus Christ as your personal Savior and by allowing Him to lead your life. Would you let Him in today?

What is it like to Lose a Loved One?

I remember being awakened that Monday morning by a phone call from my oldest brother, “Dad’s being taken to the hospital…” My initial reaction was concern, but then, knowing how many things my Dad had been through with his health, I relaxed in thinking He’ll come through this too. I laid back down in my bed, said a quick prayer for him, and told myself not to worry, he’d be alright.

I felt like my faith in God was strong, my husband and I had had a hard year and God had grown both of us in the process. I was confident that my Dad would pull through, God couldn’t take him away.

Then a second phone call. This time it was my sister. “Dad just died.”

“What? What did you say?” my heart is pounding as I sit up in bed straining to hear my sisters words more clearly, surely I had heard her wrong.

“Did no one call you?” she asks, and then breaks into sobs and can no longer speak as my brother takes the phone.

I remember hanging up the phone and all I could think or feel was the desire to get home, I’ve got to make it to my family, they need me. I need to be there.

That entire day was filled with booking flights, trying to make plans, choosing clothes for the funeral, packing all while walking around in the fog of unbelief. I look back now and see clearly God’s hands in that day, right down to orchestrating the Christian couple I sat next to on the plane. I remember walking into the house, seeing my Mom and thinking, “She’s in a fog too.” Hugging my sister and crying because if Dad were alive he would have met me at the airport and given me a big bear hug, not even considering that I wouldn’t be there if he hadn’t died. Sitting in a numb state on the couch, after my siblings had all gone, listening to my Mom recount the whole story of that morning, still in unbelief that this was real but with thankfulness that he had died at home with her, instead of alone in a hospital bed.

My faith was strong then, I had Godly parents who had raised me right, took me to church, and encouraged me to follow the Lord in all things.

My faith was strong while standing in the receiving line, listening to people tell of the impact my Dad had had on their lives.

My faith was strong during the funeral as the Pastor preached and one of my Daddy’s closest friends talked about what was most important in his life here on earth, Faith, Fellowship and Family.

My faith was still strong as tears streamed down my face while the gunshots sounded around me and the trumpet played at his final resting place.

My faith was strong as I resolved to live a life more dedicated to the Lord, created a bucket list to live life to the fullest and determined to have the impact on others that my Daddy had on everyone he met. We make these determinations and resolutions when we are face to face with the brevity of life and when we see our lives in the light of what they could be and should be. They are wonderful choices that can shape and mold us if we let them, and we should let them.

Losing a loved one shows us, not only the brevity of life, but that the only life worth living is the one that impacts others for good. I don’t know exactly when my Daddy had received Christ as his personal Savior but I do know that he didn’t keep that good news for himself. A story told at his funeral depicted my Daddy’s life perfectly. As a small business man my Dad had many employees through the years and each time he would hire someone new he would tell our pastor to help him pray for that person. “I might have to fire‘em in a week but they’re going to hear the gospel before they go!”

Dear friend reading this, I don’t know if you have experienced loss in your life or not but can I challenge you to realize the brevity of this life? James 4:14 says that our life “is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.” We are not guaranteed tomorrow, we are not even guaranteed this next moment. If you don’t have Jesus Christ as your personal Savior would you seek out someone to tell you the good news of the gospel today? For my friends who are Christians would you seek out someone today to share the good news you have already received? Life is too short to not live a life sold out to Christ.

Walking in a Fog

 

Have you ever been walking in dense fog? The kind of fog where you can only see a few feet in front of you. Even if you are familiar with the path you are traveling, fog can make you less certain of your direction.

The past several months I have felt like I was walking in a spiritual fog, blindly reaching in front of me trying to feel my way through life, ministry, and marriage. I told my husband that I constantly feel behind, in need of “catching up” but not really knowing what I’m behind on or even what I’m chasing after.

This morning I read this verse in my devotions:

“Blessed are they that keep his testimonies, and that seek him with the whole heart.”

– Psalm 119:2

Through this the Lord has shown me that I had stopped seeking Him with my whole heart. I had still been reading my Bible and praying, even asking God for direction in my life, but then trying to take control and seek my own way through my life. After reading this verse the Lord also brought to mind this short outline of Proverbs 3:5-6 that I learned at Teen Camp this year from Evangelist, Tim Thompson.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;” – I’m Sure: God is worthy of my Trust.

“…and lean not unto thine own understanding.” – I’m Clueless: I am un-worthy of my Trust.

“In all thy ways acknowledge him,” – I’m Listening: My heart needs to receive God’s direction.

“…and he shall direct thy paths.”

The Lord uses “fog” in our lives at times to teach us just this; He is worthy of our trust and we need to listen to His directions. You see the Lord can see what we can’t see and He wants to lead us in the right path, but so often we pull away from His leading and choose to blindly stumble through the fog instead.

Today, will you choose to follow the Lord? Will you allow Him to lead you whether your life’s path is seemingly crystal clear or covered in dense fog? Will you seek Him “with the whole heart?”