If you missed reading Part 1 you can find it here.
In the days after the funeral, as we spent time together as a family, the place where we grew up and shared so many memories with my Dad just seemed to be missing something. There was still an overwhelming sense of love from my Mom and other family members that filled the house, but the thought would come to mind that Dad wouldn’t be walking through the door anymore. Quickly following that thought was the feeling of a heavy weight being placed on my chest and a black hole in my heart that seemed to suck me, body and soul, into it. I felt the wild, urgency to run away, to escape to anywhere that would keep me from feeling this dark pit that was swallowing me up. Undoubtedly, the logical part of my mind would take over and I would realize running away from a feeling was impossible and that I just needed to push through and the feeling would eventually go away.
I don’t know that I ever told God that I didn’t need His help, that’s just not what good little Christian girls do. But I know that my actions; stifling tears, trying to be the strong one, and “pushing through” told its own story. Its what I’ve done for most of my life. “If you want something done right,” “Don’t depend on anyone” mentality. I hate that about myself. More often than not I end up pushing the people I love the most away because of it and this instance was no different. I felt myself pushing everyone out, even God.
This isn’t the pretty part of death. As a matter of fact, I truly believe people react to losing a loved one in one of two ways. The first is described above, rejecting any help or comfort – even when you know where to find it. The second is learning to fully rely on God, you are not perfect and you’ll have those times of doubt and fear but you know Who to turn to when the dark feelings overwhelm you, and you do.
My Mom is a beautiful picture of the second choice, and it really is a choice. She wrote this on Facebook:
“Ten weeks and still counting…most days are good and I am busy with day to day stuff that keeps me from thinking continually of Woody and his absence. So thankful that each day is not consumed with grief and I can truly enjoy being with my family.
Then there are the times, so unexpected, when I feel hit by this large wave of grief rolling over me…a deep, deep longing to touch Woody, hug Woody, speak to Woody and I feel literally suffocated by a longing that is unbearable. Then, just as unexpected, I feel the Lord’s presence the greatest, reminding me that all is well… Woody is with him which is best for him, and God is with me, buoying me up, reminding me to “be of good courage” for my hope is in Him and he will not forsake me or leave me. It is painful, but weak as I feel then, I am learning to praise His name in the darkness and trust that joy does come in the morning…”
The Lord knew that this demonstration of my Mom’s faith would be just what I needed to realize my foolishness of trusting in myself and send me running back into the loving and ever eager, open arms of my Savior, comforter and friend. Those arms, though at times I leave them, trying to find my own way, are always there and always open to any in need of a refuge.
Again, I ask, do you need a refuge? Have you felt the overwhelming loss, whether in the death of a loved one or in losing your direction in life? Would you like to feel the comfort and hope expressed above? I can tell you from experience, it only comes from knowing Jesus Christ as your personal Savior and by allowing Him to lead your life. Would you let Him in today?
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